I conquered my self sabotaging lifelong food issues awhile back – enough so that it no longer takes control of my life – so I thought I was completely clear of the self sabotaging, except the very occasional indulgences. I never even thought about it in any other form of my life until this past week.
Well, I learned with a slap in the face that it apparently took control of something I never expected. And something that was never the plan. And something I was trying to control.
I was even surprised that I reacted as I did. I thought I was doing better at managing but I guess subconsciously I wasn’t.
Okay, that’s a lie.
I was not managing well but thought I could control it. And then it happened. I lost control for a second. A lousy damn second.
And in that second, I thought I could just blame it on the extra glass of wine more than I drink when socializing, but I am mature enough to take the responsibility for my actions.
Alcohol always gives me balls to conquer things so should I be really surprised I acted out on this?
And frankly, the reason I did this does not matter. I had been trying to decipher the reasons. It just did not matter. Reasons don’t matter.
Did I just really do that?
Looking back I had to look at the damage done and decide how I was going to pick up the broken pieces from this one. It took all week to go through the acceptance process (still might be working on that one) and to really realize how much I disappointed myself. But at the same time, I was proud of myself for going with my gut. I had been conflicted at a crossroads.
I was just standing up for myself, right?
It’s at times at a crossroads in your head, sometimes you may take what you feel is the wrong turn. But what defines it as the wrong turn?
Maybe it’s just the path of life you’re supposed to be taking?
The weirdest part about this whole thing is it really was not the route I wanted to take or planned to take but after the week of processing things, I weirdly feel free again. I am still sad but it’s all part of it. I guess once I could find the positive in the negative and keep moving forward, I could regain sight of exactly where I am headed. There was a reason I did this.
Breaking down the self sabotaging, I realized it yet again, it stemmed back to something instilling fear in me.
That damn fear again! But wait, this time I think it was protecting me? Did I subconsciously do this because my gut realized something was not right? Or was I just running from something because of the fear?
I had been telling myself I wanted to live in the moment completely but kept thinking too far ahead because of the fear. Self-sabotaging behavior results from a misguided attempt to rescue ourselves from our own negative feelings.
Was it misguided this time?
Yes and no.
Timing sucked? 100%.
But it released me.
Maybe I did self sabotage and I can clearly see now and learn from this, but this time around I feel it needed to be done. Even though my heart did not want my life path to go this way. I was not strong enough or willing enough to do what I had to do and the little red sabotage devil sitting on my shoulder did it for me.
So, in the end, I have to accept the discomfort. I have to accept the disappointment. According to the definition, maybe it really was not self sabotage, per se, but because I feel I jeopardized something that was important to me, I am going to say it is.
I have to forgive myself. I have to maybe handle it different if there is a next time. But also, I have to recognize the peace it sadly has brought to my life. The internal struggle was too much and maybe the simple act of self sabotage released me to be free again.