The Self-Sabotage Devil Made Me Do It

I conquered my self sabotaging lifelong food issues awhile back – enough so that it no longer takes control of my life – so I thought I was completely clear of the self sabotaging, except the very occasional indulgences.  I never even thought about it in any other form of my life until this past week.

Well, I learned with a slap in the face that it apparently took control of something I never expected.  And something that was never the plan.  And something I was trying to control.

I was even surprised that I reacted as I did.  I thought I was doing better at managing but I guess subconsciously I wasn’t.

Okay, that’s a lie.

I was not managing well but thought I could control it.  And then it happened.  I lost control for a second.  A lousy damn second.

And in that second, I thought I could just blame it on the extra glass of wine more than I drink when socializing, but I am mature enough to take the responsibility for my actions.

Alcohol always gives me balls to conquer things so should I be really surprised I acted out on this?  

And frankly, the reason I did this does not matter. I had been trying to decipher the reasons. It just did not matter.  Reasons don’t matter.

Did I just really do that?

Looking back I had to look at the damage done and decide how I was going to pick up the broken pieces from this one.  It took all week to go through the acceptance process (still might be working on that one) and to really realize how much I disappointed myself.  But at the same time, I was proud of myself for going with my gut.  I had been conflicted at a crossroads.

I was just standing up for myself, right?

It’s at times at a crossroads in your head, sometimes you may take what you feel is the wrong turn.  But what defines it as the wrong turn?

Maybe it’s just the path of life you’re supposed to be taking?

The weirdest part about this whole thing is it really was not the route I wanted to take or planned to take but after the week of processing things, I weirdly feel free again.  I am still sad but it’s all part of it.  I guess once I could find the positive in the negative and keep moving forward, I could regain sight of exactly where I am headed.  There was a reason I did this.

Breaking down the self sabotaging, I realized it yet again, it stemmed back to something instilling fear in me.

That damn fear again!  But wait, this time I think it was protecting me?  Did I subconsciously do this because my gut realized something was not right?  Or was I just running from something because of the fear?

I had been telling myself I wanted to live in the moment completely but kept thinking too far ahead because of the fear.  Self-sabotaging behavior results from a misguided attempt to rescue ourselves from our own negative feelings.

Was it misguided this time?

Yes and no.

Timing sucked?  100%.

But it released me.

Maybe I did self sabotage and I can clearly see now and learn from this, but this time around I feel it needed to be done.  Even though my heart did not want my life path to go this way.  I was not strong enough or willing enough to do what I had to do and the little red sabotage devil sitting on my shoulder did it for me.

So, in the end, I have to accept the discomfort. I have to accept the disappointment.  According to the definition, maybe it really was not self sabotage, per se, but because I feel I jeopardized something that was important to me, I am going to say it is.

I have to forgive myself. I have to maybe handle it different if there is a next time. But also, I have to recognize the peace it sadly has brought to my life.  The internal struggle was too much and maybe the simple act of self sabotage released me to be free again.

 

 

 

 

Crush Fear: Stand up to It

I live life with the mentality that I fight my fears and conquer fear in all I do but just the other day I had to admit that (yuckily) once again I was stalled out from fear in my professional life and in my personal life.

For a minute I sat there thinking, “How did that happen?”  I had just proven to myself once again I could public speak twice over a weekend in June and had done several things in the past few months that defined exactly what fighting fear is all about.  I was on a roll like I had never been.

But wait, I realized somehow life got busy and I subconsciously lost the fight to fear again recently.  I was grateful in that moment that I could see it since that meant at one point I had learned how to be conscious to fighting fear.  I knew then that it was because life took an unexpected course and that threw me off completely.

Fear used to dictate my life. It kept me from things I wanted to do.  Today, it does not and I am enjoying venturing out and trying so many new things.  I am finding out this week though, it probably is keeping me from my full potential right now.  Okay, I need to be brutally honest, yes, it is keeping me from my great productivity.  I have been less productive in my work lately.

And that needs to change!

I realized in that moment of clarity though, as I really was picking apart what fear is, that fear is…nothing.

Yes, nothing.  Nothing?  Absolutely nothing.  

We have the option to provide fear with the ability to control us or we can think it is nothing and it will be nothing. There is no reason to be afraid of stupid fear.  What exactly is fear I asked myself?

Afraid of putting myself out there to maybe be rejected or get a negative review?  Afraid of someone judging you?  Um, that is not fear.  Fear is having a gun held to your head in an act of violence.  Fear is receiving a death sentence or a terminal illness.  Afraid of failure?  That is not something to fear.

If we look at our fears, we can almost say they are made up.  Take failure for one.  Why do we think of that as a bad thing?  We think of failure as not recovering from it.  We think of failure as negative when in fact it is the exact opposite.

Failure is just one more step towards success.  I have learned some of my best and brightest lessons from what I have defined as failure.  Life lessons come from mistakes and from when we deviate off our chosen path.  Sometimes life finds us in challenging situations and somehow we always make it through and I doubt you can argue when I say better.  We become smarter and better people.

With each failure I find I have gained life experience and a growth I never would have reached without it.  The growth can be seen over time when you step back and look at where you have come from.

Being vulnerable is strength.  It is hard to be able to be transparent when we focus on the what ifs or the fear when we get scared.  But when you break it down and really see the inside out of fear, fear is nothing and truly does not matter.

If we do not give fear its power, it truly is nothing.

Fear may always still be there in some ways, so maybe it’s not about becoming fearless but learning how to always be one step ahead of any fear.  Processing it as nothing may work for our minds.  Today it is working!

So, here I am going back to living transparent.  Here I am going back to being vulnerable.  Here I am going back but with the first time realizing fear is nothing.  With that, I am going to live life today with the mindset of nothing can stop me and if I make a mistake, so be it.  I can always readjust and alter and try again.

I will take the leap of faith and do what I want to do professionally and learn to be better at it. Doing it is the only way to learn. If I sit back to fear, I will never learn.

Today’s life lesson:  Here’s to fear being nothing.

(PS: Yes, I make up my own words.  Yuckily is now a word.)

Embrace the Journey

untitled (12).pngIf there are any words that describe my life today, these are about to be set in stone.

Embrace the Journey, huh?

After today they will be a part of my life forever if they have not already been. While I have talked about life’s journey often and my life’s motto, I have continued to be amazed at how important and sweet it really is to live.

Every day is a set of miles we drive down the road of life.

Many people get caught up in the everyday hustle of life and forget to stop and see the sights along the way.  They forget to stop and smell the roses. They go to work, run their errands, and conduct their business with their heads buried in the sand.

They forget to smile, forget to joke, forget to really treasure their time no matter what they’re doing.  They complain, they’re negative, they don’t look to have fun, or just run their life on autopilot.

It is much better to be driving the car then using its cruise control.

There is something to be said about having a mindset where you’re present and living.  While I would love to be able to admit I am in that stage 24/7, that is not true, but I can attest to living present as fully as I can much of the time.  There was a time in my life where everything was about planning for the future and I had no idea I was not living.

It took some hard times to snap me into reality that life is about the here and now and not about the future.  Life is about living in the moment.

It would be easier if hard times or stress didn’t exist and we could stay fully present all the time, but that is not reality.  But it is how we react to it that can allow us to return to living present and being able to embrace the journey even though hard moments.

While there are hard times in life that I would rather skip and Lord knows I have had my share, sometimes the paradoxical life moments we endure allow us to find our journey a little richer.  I hate to admit this but it is true.

Take any hard or challenging times and burn it as fuel.  We learn from these times.

As we learn, we grow.  As we grow, we live. As we live, we drive.

As we find our way through the days’ next miles of our journey road, we find the ability to keep going further, longer, harder.

And some days, we find ourselves out on the road at 100 mph, taking it all in and living dangerously by pushing our limits.  Dangerously, in an adventure way, not in a hazardous way.

Today is one of those days.  Doing something 18 years in the waiting.

What was waiting for?  The right time?

Well, there will never be a right time.  So when you want to do something, do it.  If you have waited, do it.  Get prepared if needed to do so, and do it. My 18 years proves waiting becomes stagnant.

Life is about doing, not waiting.  Fear, uncertainty and doubt crippled me all these years.  Ridiculous as today conquered over that and the life high is immense.

Start doing things you have put off and still want to do.  Start checking off your bucket list checklist.  Find the things that bring you joy.  Find the things that bring adventure to your life.  If we want to do something, it means we think about it, we desire it, we want it.

These can be the simplest of things that cost no money.  In fact, it is those things that make life so much sweeter by experiencing.

Why would we not do those things?  Erase the I’m too busy, too scared or not sure why.

Trust your soul. Make each day your masterpiece. Take on the unthinkable.  Step outside your comfort zone.

Run over the fear, the doubts or the lack of time and just go do those things you have waited so long for.  Add richness and experience and fun to your life.   Go travel your road.

At the end of the day, isn’t that what life’s about?

Embrace the journey.  Embrace your journey.

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The World is Our Playground: Honor the Inner Child

imagesDid you forget (or maybe never knew) you have an inner child?

I did.

As an adult, life requires us to be so serious and responsible.

Finances.

House.

Taking care of family.

Sometimes there’s not enough hours in the day.  We want to incorporate fun into our lives, but how often do we do it?  With all the hustle and bustle, do we sometimes forget to have fun?

Sure. Does it sometimes get pushed off to the bottom of our to-do list?

I recently learned that we all have an inner child.  The child from the old days: our childhood.  We may have a more grown-up body but our inner child is always screaming to come out.  We grow up and forget that he/she is still in there.

Our inner child has a personality of its own.  And just because we are adults, doesn’t mean we don’t need to have fun.

I never consciously realized having fun was a must. As adults we do things for fun but never realized the concept and necessity.   Our inner children need to be nurtured.  Find what your definition of carefree, fun, easy times include and start doing these things.

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It may be eating Lucky Charms (or your favorite childhood cereal) while coloring in one of those new adult coloring books which are a huge fad right now or it may be blowing giant bubbles in the backyard for your sake, not your children’s.  It may be flying a kite on the beach or a shopping cart race in Walmart.  Dance in the kitchen and let making dinner be placed on hold. Swing on a park swing, run through the sprinklers, jump in the rain puddles, or lay in the grass at night looking up at the stars.

Be a little irresponsible in the middle of your work day at your desk by rebelling for ten minutes and have your coffee or a snack when you know you should be working away.  In the middle of running errands, take a few minutes to throw in an ice cream or frozen yogurt field trip.  Sing your favorite childhood song while washing the dishes or taking a shower.

Add in whatever makes you giddy.

I’ve been saying this for years, but did not realize the true meaning of why.  Once I heard this life lesson, it all so made sense.

Aaah, my silly goofy side is my inner child.  I get it now!

Some nights ago, in the garage, while unpacking a box, I lay the bubble wrap contents on the floor.  I smirked as we began jumping on the bubbles popping them with our feet.  We laughed more than two kids probably would have.  Two adults jumping on bubble wrap.  What a sight.

Little did I understand at the time that was my inner child was coming out to play.  I had not heard this inner child message thing yet.  I just thought it was me being ridiculous as I’m known to be sometimes.

I like her, my inner child.

Never lose sense again of the wonder of being a child.  Allow yourself to find the activities that will allow your inner child to just be.  Explore like children would. Be silly and innocent.  Be the artist children are.  Be happy for no reason.

The child within us will allow us to honor ourselves completely and this will enrich our lives. Remember our natural state is pure joy.  The smallest pleasures will keep us young at heart. Use your beautiful imagination and exquisite humor.

Now that I realize I have sometimes neglected her, I am going to make more of an effort to honor her on all days that end in y.

How often do you fulfill your inner child?  The world is our playground so go play.243815d43d24b372fc549afb5a9bcf58

 

Life is All About the Journey

We know life is a journey, but I recently realized life is all about the journey.

It is our job to live our lives everyday and breathe in, soak in all that is offered.  For one day, it may be gone.

There is nothing for sure in life, except one thing.

Any idea what that one thing is?

That one thing is change.  The only thing guaranteed in life is change.

Many people are afraid of change.  Many resist it.  Many of us are serious creatures of habit.  Many are tripped up when change happens. I think it’s normal to be afraid of change.  Sometimes change is painful, sometimes beautiful.  But if change is negative, we must learn to change our way of thinking as our life’s journey relies on it.

I have learned it is important to embrace change.  Our lives and well being depend on it.

Through change and life’s journey, you learn many things.  It’s about finding out who you are and what you believe.  It’s about listening to your own voice and trusting your heart.  It’s about following your own path and chasing your dreams.

And today is a great day to start.  As Socrates said, “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

My world in many ways had gone askew over the last many months.  Sometimes our lives get completely shaken up, changed and rearranged to locate us to places we are meant to be.  Of course in the midst of the confusion and chaos, nothing makes sense.  Sometimes things never make sense.  But life is what it is.

Though life is unpredictable, change is evitable.  Change makes us stronger.  Sometimes we want a situation changed but sometimes we find ourselves in a situation to change us.

In life when change happens, the hard eventually softens and there is always good in the end. Sometimes a change of thinking or mastering a new way to be is necessary but maybe there is something incredibly hopeful about a fresh start.

Closed chapters. New ones to come. Let new adventures begin.  Live life to the fullest. Inspire yourself and others. Laugh uncontrollably. Look forward. Don’t look back.

We cannot control the wind on our sails, but we can learn to sail through anything.  As they say sometimes in the wind of change we find our true direction.   And it is in the wind of change that our life is all about the journey.sail1

 

 

Under Construction…

images-1To my Awesome Blog Readers,

Your mailbox may be inundated with random old blog posts.

I just realized when I switched to WordPress some time ago, I never completed relocating all my old blog postings from 2012-2013.

There are quite a few.

Bare with me as I attempt to make my new blog complete.

And thank you for reading!

Feel free to share in the comments section.  We, writers, look to hear your thoughts!

Reflections of 2015

(Majority of this post was written on NYE hours before midnight.  It was left the way it was. Post does not make complete sense in how it was written, but it is what it is.)

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Looking back so that the view looking forward is even clearer.

Another year has gone by.

Time stops for no man, as my father says, and here we are again at another new year.

Is it really 2016 already?

I am not sure if I can believe we have reached 2016 but I do know this is the first year I am not afraid of failure this time around. It feels different.

2016 feels optimistic. Hopeful.

Something big.

Our lifes are a reflection of our thoughts.

I must say, 2015 was in a league of its own. A very good year.

Some of the most incredible, beautiful and loving moments I have ever had.

Wonderful family time.

Some surprises.

Some new adventures and travel.

Times that can never be repeated.

New experiences – business and personal.

I am more kind to myself now.

I have tried many new things.

But the year was not all good.

Some of the darkest hours I have ever had.

People hurt me deeply.

Friendships changed over time.

And on top of all that, a cancer health scare that rocked my world.

Moments of absolute broken but I was still standing.

Incredible laughter.

Clean bill of health.

And the birth of my debut book, which I never expected could or would happen.

While I faced some of the worse times in my life, I always tried to reflect on the positive.

Each of these events taught me some of the best life lessons and I am grateful for how the year finished. I am a stronger person today. I am stoic. I am optimistic.

I am moving forward.  I am excited about what is to come.

I think one of the things I realized this year is until you’re broken, you don’t know what you’re made of.  It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever.

Being kicked down does not mean you have to stay there.

We must take the good with the bad.  We must learn how to be motivated and resilient and successful.

Now two weeks into 2016, another week of hardships conquered.

Never did I think this past week would happen.

But I am doing fine and still standing.

While this is not the way I thought 2016 would start, I am grateful.

I am learning.

Do not take shortcuts.

Live my life and do everything the right way, the full way, the real way, even when I am tired or lazy.

Be my best me.

Know motivation is a choice, not a feeling.  I am not sitting around waiting for it, but instead reaching out to conquer it and it has showed up every time.

In the past 14 days in this new year, I have learned some more life lessons, started working on the balance of life between work and home, focusing on using my time to its full potential and taking care of myself.

I am seeing through the hard times and stress realizing there can still be positive moments in bad days.

Without resolutions this year, but still with big goals, it is inspiring to get things done.

Plan.

Organize.

Get it done.

Reflecting on 2015, the year has taught me so much.  The past is a place of reference.  And I take that forward into 2016.

This is the year for us all.

Make the changes you wish to.

Live the life you want to.

Be the person you want to be.

Reflect.

Dream.

Play.

Work hard.

And the rest will follow.

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