Okay, where the heck did I go?

I had no intention of being MIA from my blog for approximately six weeks and really cannot explain where I have been.

But here I am, on January 1st, 2014.  Happy New Year.  I am back and want to stay!

I thought about blogging every single day I did not blog.

I missed blogging every day.

My mind was going round and round as to what I could write about.  Unfortunately, it was blank.

I definitely was not on what I would call a sabbatical.

The first few weeks I had the wind knocked out of me with a cold turned sinus infection which basically flattened me on my back for over a week.  Knowing how much I love food and that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, aside from the 4th of July, I spent the day missing out on family dinner and sleeping all day and night instead.  I have never craved pumpkin pie so bad as I lay there in bed that day and all weekend.

I was feeling so crummy, I didn’t even care that I was missing Black Friday and the kick-off of the holiday shopping weekend.That’s bad, ya think?

I still cannot believe how bad a sinus infection can make you feel.  I barely had energy to walk into the kitchen.

Since I spent a lot of time in bed recuperating until I decided to go to the doctor’s and the antibiotics got me moving again, I spent a lot of time on my smartphone and iPad strolling through blogs, emails, and furthering my Pinterest addiction beyond being saved.

What happened next was, in fact, pretty eye opening.

I stumbled across a blog written by Mary, the most amazing and bravest woman ever.  Mary is battling cancer and uses her blog to document her journey as well as a therapy crutch.  I instantly wanted to help in any way I could: cook for her family at home and sit with her in the hospital when she was alone – all not possible because she was somewhere across the States.

Could I send letters and become a penpal and help her on the not-so-strong mental days?  I did not know this stranger but I knew she deserved every bit of support.  Her tenacity, chutzpah, and intestinal fortitude just made me her cheerleader.  She is my age and life is so unfair.

I then realized all the things I had been writing about were frivolous and meaningless much of the time.  Who cares if I was sick or had had a concussion recently?  Or dealt with car problems?  Or that I was deciding if I should start dating again for blog entertainment?  I know the little things in life are so important.  I know how precious life is.  Why was I talking about stuff that was not worth talking about?

It all just seemed so petty.  I felt I was not worthy to write about stupid things.

I did not think I was comparing myself in any way but weeks gone by, realizing I still could not get myself to the computer to write, something in me shifted.  I went back to having fear about my posts, back to when I first started blogging, and if they were good enough for anyone to read.

I somehow shifted back to thinking what I had to say may not be worthy.  I never intentionally meant to feel unworthy but after talking with my dear girlfriend today, when she snapped, “Stop that!”, I guess I realized subconsciously that was what I was feeling.  (Trina, this one is for you!  Thank you!  You got me out of my rut…)

A dear friend, Frank, lost his life two days ago to cancer.  He was a trooper the whole year, lasting much longer than doctors said at the time of his diagnosis last Thanksgiving.  I saw him two days before he died and he looked at peace sitting there talking with me and holding my hand.  I tried finding a joke or two and we had a nice conversation.  I knew his days were limited, but had no idea he was that close to the end.

I think about Mary every day and wonder how she is as I await her next blog sent to my email subscription. I know she is going to beat this shitty ass thing.

I truly hate hospitals and sickness, but think I want to see if I can volunteer at my local hospital dealing with patients in some way.  I think I can put my fears aside to maybe help someone in need.  Someone in pain, someone who is lonely, someone who just needs to see a smiling face while they attempt to recuperate from their ailments.  It’s the least I can do… and it will be in honor of my mom, my sister’s best friend Holly (who passed away in 2012), Frank, and Mary.

I am back.  And with a vengeance.  I plan to find my feelings of worthiness (still not there as I type this – but I am here!) and write because of the passion and desire to do so.  I think I live to write.  I may not always talk about the most important things, but maybe somewhere, someone is reading and finds the same connection I found with Mary.

You can cheer on Mary at her blog here on WordPress called: fightinghodgkinsblog.

I can say 2013 was a bit of a challenging year for me and I am back and ready for another chance to get it right.  I did not realize until today how welcoming and refreshing 2014 is to me.  Cheers!