PART ONE: Handwritten on October 30th in bed with pen and paper.
More determined than ever, here I sit after a 10-hour nonstop drive (that was hard – how do people drive cross country?) visiting my father, I realize I am ready for some serious change.
I have come to a new chapter in my life. Honestly, I have no idea how I am going to do this, but my life is riding on it. My life depends on it and I have never been more determined than ever.
I have always wanted an active lifestyle – like those people who look good and seriously fit in their tennis shoes and gym athletic wear. But seeing that, means they are usually healthy too.
I need healthy. I have been lying to myself that I have a healthy lifestyle.
I do not think there is anything healthy about it. Being able to admit that I have cut back on my fast food runs or soda does not define healthy. Healthier maybe, but not healthy.
I want an active lifestyle with healthy clean living. I do not need to be obsessive, but I want my body to function at its best and to feel the best I can and know I am investing in my future health, maybe prolonging my life and lowering the risk of disease.
Watching my beloved father’s health decline and still suffering concussion headaches myself, I truly need to buckle down. I do not have a choice and want to live a long life.
I have always made excuses for food being my BFF but I must change my way of thinking and go to the gym more often to see change.
I am in somewhat of shape and can burn 850 calories during one workout no problem. But once in a blue moon or a few times one week and then weeks going by is not going to change things.
I am focused tonight, I feel different and think I can truly be healthy on more days than not.
A coworker just told me of a work group doing Tough Mudder in April 2014. I can do this. I want this so bad. I can taste it. It would be the perfect goal since it is my birthday month and the next several months of hard work would be the best birthday gift I could ever give myself. I am ready. Let’s get this thing going. A hard body and healthy mind. Something I have always wanted. The only thing I have wanted and could never accomplish.
Here is to a new way of thinking, a new determination and just doing it.
Well, my determination is still there but after two hard work weeks, a few weeks of poopy sleep and not enough time to exercise, I am right back at square one.
Where I always am.
I was able to maintain healthier food choices for a day or two until I hit the carb withdrawal stage which was too overwhelming. I think (I mean I know) food is my crutch, my emotional comfort, but it has such a hold on me, I struggle to control it. How in the world can I change this to believe food is only fuel for the body? Can’t I make exercise my BFF who helps me through emotions instead of food?
When I do not make healthy choices, I give up. I have been very active in life and at times been in great shape but never felt it because my food did not change. The one time I was in perfect control of my food was with Weight Watchers but I was not exercising.
I cannot live the healthiest life if I am unable to do these together.
I am trying and struggling even with the determination.
Maybe I am over thinking it and maybe I need to just suffer the food withdrawals and struggle and not cave in.
It will all get easier once I start, right?
How do I put both together? How can I manage to change and work hard with both in sync? Where do I go for support?
Hmm… well, I guess it is a start realizing I have been lying to myself. And I took the book, Women, Food and God out of the bookcase. I bought it years ago with hopes to conquer my food addiction but never opened it.