A Struggle Even With Determination


PART ONE: Handwritten on October 30th in bed with pen and paper.

More determined than ever, here I sit after a 10-hour nonstop drive (that was hard – how do people drive cross country?) visiting my father, I realize I am ready for some serious change.

I have come to a new chapter in my life. Honestly, I have no idea how I am going to do this, but my life is riding on it. My life depends on it and I have never been more determined than ever.

I have always wanted an active lifestyle – like those people who look good and seriously fit in their tennis shoes and gym athletic wear. But seeing that, means they are usually healthy too.

I need healthy. I have been lying to myself that I have a healthy lifestyle.

I do not think there is anything healthy about it. Being able to admit that I have cut back on my fast food runs or soda does not define healthy. Healthier maybe, but not healthy.

I want an active lifestyle with healthy clean living. I do not need to be obsessive, but I want my body to function at its best and to feel the best I can and know I am investing in my future health, maybe prolonging my life and lowering the risk of disease.

Watching my beloved father’s health decline and still suffering concussion headaches myself, I truly need to buckle down. I do not have a choice and want to live a long life.

I have always made excuses for food being my BFF but I must change my way of thinking and go to the gym more often to see change.

I am in somewhat of shape and can burn 850 calories during one workout no problem. But once in a blue moon or a few times one week and then weeks going by is not going to change things.

I am focused tonight, I feel different and think I can truly be healthy on more days than not.

A coworker just told me of a work group doing Tough Mudder in April 2014. I can do this. I want this so bad. I can taste it. It would be the perfect goal since it is my birthday month and the next several months of hard work would be the best birthday gift I could ever give myself. I am ready. Let’s get this thing going. A hard body and healthy mind. Something I have always wanted. The only thing I have wanted and could never accomplish.

Here is to a new way of thinking, a new determination and just doing it.

images-1PART TWO: Today, November 12th:

Well, my determination is still there but after two hard work weeks, a few weeks of poopy sleep and not enough time to exercise, I am right back at square one.

Where I always am.

I was able to maintain healthier food choices for a day or two until I hit the carb withdrawal stage which was too overwhelming. I think (I mean I know) food is my crutch, my emotional comfort, but it has such a hold on me, I struggle to control it. How in the world can I change this to believe food is only fuel for the body? Can’t I make exercise my BFF who helps me through emotions instead of food?

When I do not make healthy choices, I give up. I have been very active in life and at times been in great shape but never felt it because my food did not change. The one time I was in perfect control of my food was with Weight Watchers but I was not exercising.

I cannot live the healthiest life if I am unable to do these together.

I am trying and struggling even with the determination.

Maybe I am over thinking it and maybe I need to just suffer the food withdrawals and struggle and not cave in.

It will all get easier once I start, right?

How do I put both together? How can I manage to change and work hard with both in sync? Where do I go for support?

Hmm… well, I guess it is a start realizing I have been lying to myself. And I took the book, Women, Food and God out of the bookcase. I bought it years ago with hopes to conquer my food addiction but never opened it.

Here is to facing the truth, working hard to fight my only addiction and remembering where I AM GOING TO BE in April 2014. images-3

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