I have realized since working on myself trying to not define myself as alone and incomplete, but instead single and fabulous, I realized that I was holding on to something not even there. After a setback and letdown some months back, I realized I still am grieving the could have been.
Maybe a little less since walking away from the car yesterday, but still there is a bit of hope, wanting, wishing even though I know there is NOTHING there. It is not even what I would want anymore. It is time to let go. Let go completely.
So, what does letting go look like and how do I complete the task to the very last drop? It seems I have come far but not to the end of the road yet. Or I am at the end of road, but still have not been able to step off into the new territory.
I truly feel less heavy but want to make sure I can be done. It has been lingering on so long that I could say I want to be obsessed with letting go all the way. Okay, I am saying I want to be obsessed with letting go all the way.
Is just saying I want closure and am ready for it, enough? Will that work? Or is there something more?
I should know. Been through letting go of my old life, my marriage, him being my old best friend and many other things in life. Why is this time so hard? Or taking so long?
I can say this is the first time I have acknowledged wanting to let go of the could’ve been. Even though the could’ve been could have been so wonderful, it was not meant to be.
Was I in love with him or was it because he was going to fit into my life and world easily?
Whatever it was, it was. It’s over. And it was too complicated. And I deserve more.
That has to be enough.
Deep breath and let go.